Playing Outside of the Kitchen
Rediscovering an Old Love
“To me, photography is an art of observation. It’s about finding something interesting in an ordinary place…I’ve found it has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them.” —Eliott Erwitt
Fear Chases Play Away
For the past few years my main way of allowing my creative side to play has been cooking; creating new dishes, sampling new ingredients, trying out new recipes, and just playing with food helps me to get out of my head and focus on what was in front of me. A pause in the ordinary everyday living that we all must do. Although I have not abandoned my kitchen, I have spent less time playing in it than normal lately. A few months ago my retreat from the kitchen was a result of needing time to process deep grief, and, I guess, this current withdraw is a way to help me learn to live with my grief.
In 2002 I bought my first “good” camera. I learned how to use it by playing with it. My kids became my main subjects and for the years they delighted in my photography play I honed my skills. Then, one by one, they started turning away from my camera or flatly refusing to get in a shot. For the past couple of years the only photos with my “good camera” were of my son and his teammates playing soccer; I became the designated photographer for all of his teams. My current camera was primarily purchased in 2019 to make sure I captured his final years of soccer. I had to ask a friend to help me figure out how to set it up. Fear crept in and I forgot how to play to learn. After his final soccer game I set my camera on the shelf and told my husband I wanted to sell it because it was beyond my capabilities. He encouraged me to hang on to it for awhile.
It is an illusion that photos are made with the camera. They are made with the eye, heart, and head.” —Henri Cartier-Bresson
He Was Right
I didn’t sell it, but I didn’t play with it either. My fear had a strong hold on me; there was so much I didn’t know about it and how would I ever find the time to learn all that it could do. So it sat untouched until February of this year. A week after my brother passed away his oldest son had to wrestle in order to qualify for states—a dream they both had for him every year that he wrestled. This was going to be the first time ever his Dad would not be there to watch him compete, and my whole family knew we had to be there. On a whim I grabbed my camera and told myself to try and capture some shots of him wrestling. I played around with the settings and surprised myself with taking some nice photos. I showed up each weekend thereafter to cheer him on with me camera in my hand. My fear began to fade as I remembered how to play. I’m glad my husband didn’t let me give into my fear.
Building Community
In June I happened to see an advertisement for a Beginner’s Photography Class—all levels welcome bring whatever camera you have. By this time wrestling season was over and I had placed my camera back on the shelf, but wanted to continue to play with it, but my motivation to play had died down and fear of not doing it perfectly had returned. Maybe this class would help me to continue battling my fear? But a class with people I don’t know? They’ll see what I don’t know….and so went the internal dialog in my head. I silenced it by registering quickly so I wouldn’t let that fear of a class prevent me from trying something new. Luckily, a friend of mine, who loves playing with her camera, signed up, too.
With a knowledgeable, kind, and easy going teacher and 9 other students with a love a playful photography, I returned to picking up my camera without intimidation but with a wonder of what I could capture with playing around with it. My friend and I now have committed to setting up “photography playdates” a few days a month to explore areas in our town and play with our cameras; we ask each other questions and share what we are learning about the art form and our cameras. We don’t know it all, but we are enjoying the learning experience through play and community.
Grieving and Living
There is so much unknown in the grief that I have been carrying, and, because of it, I find myself slipping into fear. Wanting to have all the answers and knowing what to expect is not an option. However, noticing the good and beautiful things in my life helps me to overcome the fear; holding on to those delights that bring a smile to my face is balm for my aching heart. Returning to photography has reminded me of the importance to pause and notice what is in front of me, to not just see it with my eyes, but to see it with my heart and mind, to embrace the wonder of life all around me. Being in a class with others and setting up photography playdates reminds me that fear thrives in isolation but community reinforces courage. Courage to face the unknown, courage to play, courage to carry joy and sorrow daily.
What’s been nourishing me this week….
Blueberries! My son and I went on our annual blueberry picking trip with our friends last week and we’ve been loving snacking on them and incorporating them in recipes.
Park Predators Podcast is back with a new season. I’m a fan of true crime podcasts.
30 Minute Strength workouts on the Peloton App. You don’t have to have a bike to use the app. Love the yoga and meditation classes, too! If you click on the link you can try it out for 60 days for free.
I love this, and I love this for you :)